http://www.mb.com.ph/drug-suspects-wife-killed-in-ambush/

spoke too soon. Ended up covered in blood on my first ER duty as a licensed physician.

First post in months and I sound incohorent.

I hope my academic writing is better than the shite I put on this blog.

So I passed the physician licensure exam and I haven't managed a patient since March.

I've started working as a research associate at UP three days after the board exams. Scratch that. My boss in his well meaning but probably absent-minded state sent me an email two days before the 2nd weekend of the boards (yes, the licensure exam covers 2 weekends, 3 exams per day) asking me to research about a certain vaccine.

I thought I could put it off but when I opened the file containing the questions he wanted me to look for, I got really stressed because I had no idea how to look for more than half of what he's asking me to search for. Instead of studying more, I ended up reading up on the vaccine. It took me a few hours and a handful of journals before I got a hold of my senses and resumed reviewing. Over the next few days, my break consisted of reading up on the vaccine, taking down notes, consolidating information and whatnot. 

Not that I'm complaining. The last few weeks of the review for the boards, I was so over everything and spent almost equal amounts of time reading manga and reading my notes. Actually, I was so sick of studying medicine that I ended up studying statistics during breaks.

---

So I've been working for around a month. I imagined that I'd be doing work only during office hours and I was so wrong about that. Research is consuming my life. I think about it on the commute for work. Weeknights are spent either writing or reviewing literature. A good chunk of weekends are taken up by encoding work. I even go to work one hour early not just to escape the traffic but also so I could catch up on work. Not that I'm complaining. I am not envious of my friends who decided to go into residency training. I'd rather be sitting down and writing than running around the hospital trying to make people well enough so that a new sick person can take their bed. And I still get to spend weekends at home so that's a plus.

---
I realize that I need to go to graduate school. My boss and co-workers discuss statistical tests and analytical approaches I have never applied in my limited research experience. I can learn the commands but the theoretical basis for those tests are lost on me. The lack of a theoretical foundation would impair my ability to apply it to my research. I can't do descriptive studies forever. Data collection can get messy and in the setting of the Philippines where data can be very difficult or expensive to obtain, a strong foundation on analytic methods would allow me to accomplish research objectives despite the limited data (albeit, nothing can substitute for really good quality data).

---
I won't be covered in shit, sweat, blood and tears anymore.

"It's a matter of growing up. You don't move on. You just become a bigger person until the void doesn't feel as big." -Issey Tolentino, Dagitab

This boards review process is painful.

I don't know if I can bear to read all these references for a third time. I know I need to but I don't know if I could bear it. Already, I'm very much ready to burn the Pathology reviewer.

I'm finally a doctor. Now, on to making "real" life decisions and career moves. Oh shit, may boards pa pala.

Going to present my research again this Tuesday. I still haven't practiced my calm face. Ah screw, I'm just going to be frank, direct and honest with the judges. And I won't hold my tongue. If they ask impossible questions,  I will return the question to them.

So I got that appendage in the diploma.Yahoo!
 

got beaten by snails. damn.

---
I should have asked, "So sir, if you were to conduct the same study and faced with my dilemma, how would you determine the cost of medications not available in our hospital?"

The end is near.

---


Something is going to happen on Monday. I hope I do well.

---
The Universe is playing with me then again, it has been playing with me all my life. I just need to keep rolling with the punches.

I've been asked to some things that I shouldn't be doing. As interns, we are the hospital's slaves. Despite how the official statement says that we doctors-in-training and members of the health, we are the slaves. At the bottom of the hierarchy, you can't protest if you are told to do something. You just nod and follow. We can not refuse any request or order given by a senior (a resident or older) as long as it doesn't kill or harm a patient directly. So the only thing we hope from them is to inhibit themselves from making us do things we aren't meant to do.

Less than a hundred days left for my internship. I'm happy that it will be over soon.

This elective period is the best thing in med school. I have had two months wherein I was left on my own to conduct research I designed. I enjoyed the experience despite all of the red tape I had to go through to finish my projects. I'd rather fight administrative and bureaucratic hurdles than go on hospital duties.

ayaw ko ng paasa. nasasayang ang oras ko.